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You know how when you look back on your life , some memories you appear to have almost seem like they didn’t happen at all . As if they were some really elaborate dream but you so sure that it actually happened in reality . You’re left stuck wondering because you have no proof , no recorded evidence and no one to confirm these memories .

Its that thin line between reality and fantasy that concerns me . As ridiculous as it may sound it still makes me wonder if life is actually a dream and death is our reality or perhaps it is the other way around ,

Maybe when we die …we’re just stuck in a dream like state ; Eternal Sleep .

I wonder how quiet it gets when you lay awake crying into your pillow trying to forget who you are . The words others have said that describe you probably replay in your mind and destroy you . I bet you fall asleep reciting the only few good qualities you think you have. I imagine you must know you are a miserable person and that you make it impossible for anyone to feel sorry for you . I bet you’re just so tired of knowing how much of a low person you are . You delude yourself with extravagance and material items just so you can have something to prove , You claim you’re a deep person but you’re lovers are all chosen just by their look . You spend way too much time trying to be somebody but its all face value . If anyone is inspired to become just like you they should just be prepared to be called a cunt .

Gay men who consider themselves as ( straight acting ) are just the worse kinds of men to talk to in any social situation ,  they use that old and tired argument “if i wanted to date a chick i’d turn straight ” the thing i find so ridicoulous about that sentence is that it suggests sexuality is a choice . If there was a common retort we would use agaisnt those hyper masculine gay men it would be ” you’re gay stop trying to appear as straight as you can because it makes people around you comfortable and it allows you to accept yourself.

like yes we have prefrences but just because a man is not wearing football jerseys , on sale wranglers jeans and drinking a beer doesnt make him less of a man .

The other night i was just thinking about friends and people i’ve met up until this point in my life and i don’t know if this sets me apart from the rest but i’ve never had a friend that i can introduce as a long time friend. I have and had friendships that span over a few years and i have friends that have been there for me since the begging of my struggles which i love the most but when people start disappearing from your life you begin to wonder whether or not people do eventually just grow apart or things were never as they seemed .

New Years the time where everyone starts making resloutions that never get finished , the time where people post things like ” OMG 2011 end already , 2012 be good to me ..yadda yadda “ 

Like seriously it is what you make it and next year i don’t even care i know nothing ever happens the way i want it to no matter how much effort i put into it and things always change with no control …just because its a new year doesn’t mean things will automatically be better and easier .

Because this is life and everything has to be realistic… 

i feel like every time i begin to like someone , i find out that they’re in a relationship or they’re about to be in one . There has been numerous times when someone confessed they liked me but i would have my eyes set on someone or i would be getting over a failed relationship . 

Now its like the timing is never right and honestly i feel like I’ve done this all before. I’m just waiting for someone to impress me . I always give out so much emotion and trust to someone once i realize it won’t work i feel let down and it just makes me more of a pessimist.

Some people would say i give up easily but when you have been trying for so long somethings don’t seem worth it .

(sigh) 


everything is annoying me so much lately

i cant even listen to music or write anymore 

i feel so uninspired and useless

and now i see this kid on youtube expressing how he feels about being bullied then it gets thousands of views/comments ….It annoys me that you have to do something like that in order to make people listen to you .



I walked up to the door and i could see the whole inside of the house i used to live in  from the front window . A deep feeling just dropped in me and i knew i didn’t even want to go inside . I hated the day i was forced to leave and i always hated going back to that house , It was never recognizable again. 

My Dad asked ” how do you like the new place , Do you remember how it was before ” I guess i expected something like that , He also asked my older brother if he remembers where things where …of course he said the basic stuff like the walls that were once there , But for me i could have shown you every detail and scratch in any room .

Being in a place you once used to call HOME and realizing it has changed so much makes you feel like you didn’t have a history there at all , its as if some one erased all those memories from you and tore them down and broke them into pieces.If its one thing i can’t let go of it’s definitely that house . I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but there

(sigh)

i never did like taking family photos with my dad and his family, they have never felt honest to me ..Nothing but fake smiles and everyone for seconds pretending they’re extra happy.

And since i’m forced  going to my Dads house , I don’t know how things will turn out but when i go to my friends later on i’ll just drink away all these thoughts . I was stuck all last night thinking how to dress so i decided to wear a black button down , dark jeans , desert boots and a dark coat .

no fake smiles for me tonight .

happy thanksgiving .

My mom asked if i was depressed jokingly cause i haven’t actually gone out in like 2-3 weeks …Because right now i’ve pretty much been staying in , ignoring texts/calls and being in my room all day .I never been treated for depression or even have anyone actually question if i was , well besides my dad asking me years ago if i’d wanna go to a shrink cause of the divorce and whatever …

I don’t know what it is i just get in these moods that are very lengthy in time …its not that i don’t want to go out or not talk to anyone . I just like staying in and being lazy and feeling like if i wake up tomorrow the real world isn’t gonna shove how sucky it is in my face and people constantly spitting out how fucking great their life is going is no help either…There is a few people i can talk to though and hang out with , So it’s not like i am lonely or isolating myself . 

maybe the problem is thinking there’s something wrong with me as i been told before or maybe because when people ask me what have i been doing lately and i don’t have anything to say …

i just want to ignore the question go in my room and stick to this routine .

looking through my old facebook posts and i come across this one …

"All our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope… all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there’s someone perfect… who might be searching for us.”

and ugh this was posted like last year ago , and not much has changed i still think and feel the same about it even though its not my quote .It just got to me again i remember how i felt when i posted it and i remember exactly what i was thinking when i read it 

and i realize all my status posts are all either sad and depressing even if there’s a hint of sadness to it .And its just crazy to see how before i expected things would have gotten better but they just stayed the same .

not much has changed in a year besides things getting worse